The experience of davening from the Amud (leading the prayers) as a mourner has felt somewhat incongruous. I haven't been feeling very spiritual. While I sometime achieve deep concentration while reciting Kaddish, I can't say the same for my prayers. Why, I can't say for sure. I don't think it's that I'm angry at God, though I'm upset that my mother was taken from this world before age 79. She had so much more to live for, and I often imagine what she would have been like in her 80s: still full of life, still working, still cooking, still dispensing her wisdom to everyone, whether they wanted to hear it or not.
Today while leading prayers, I felt that my mouth was moving, the words were pouring out, but my body was elsewhere. Complete disassociation of body and soul. Could anyone tell? Probably not. Would anyone care? Unlikely.
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