Saturday, October 6, 2012

End of kaddish anxiety dream

Less than two months into my year of saying kaddish, I had an anxiety dream about saying--actually about missing--kaddish. The dream reflected the stress I felt about getting to shul to say kaddish and how much it meant to me to do so. (See

This Shabbat afternoon, almost ten months after my anxiety dream, and the last Shabbat on which I will be saying kaddish, I had another dream about kaddish, so different than the earlier one. In my dream it was Shabbat afternoon. I was in an auditorium. Children were there presenting a play, and I was in the audience. The children were having trouble; the director explained to the audience that some of the child actors were missing or unable to perform. Some time later I was sitting on a bench when one of the actors, a young girl of about eight years old, sat down next to me. She told me she wasn't feeling well. She asked me to feel her head. It was warm. She laid her head down on my lap. Just then I heard people starting to say kaddish. It was the end of the Shabbat mincha (afternoon) service. I was conflicted: should I stand up and say kaddish per my obligation or continue to sit and comfort the girl. I decided the girl needed me more than I needed to say kaddish. I didn't feel a compelling need to say kaddish any more. After the kaddish was over, I took the girl to the director; she ran toward him and he hugged her.

After the dream, I awoke and looked at the clock. It was 5:40. Mincha had already begun. I dressed hurriedly and got to shul in time to say kaddish.

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