Why I am saying Kaddish for my mother? Why I am waking up a half hour earlier than normal to get to shul to daven? Why I am structuring my every day so that I can make afternoon prayers? Why am I davening from the Amud (being the prayer leader) whenever offered instead of occasionally declining?
The answer is complicated. Part of it, to be sure, is a feeling of obligation, no different than any other halakhic (Jewish legal) obligation. I have chosen, or I feel a greater power has chosen me, to adhere to these laws and customs. But it's more than that. It's a way of honoring my mother's life and memory. When I say Kaddish, I try to think of her, of all she meant to me, of the many gifts she bestowed on me. Also, it's a way of constantly reminding myself that my life is not normal. Through fulfilling my obligations, I acknowledge that I am not whole. My soul has been torn. Perhaps each Kaddish is a way of mending it, slowly, stitch by stitch.
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