Going through the motions

Another day of davening today.  With 10 weeks of experience under my belt, the words are flowing out of the my mouth rather smoothly these days.  Less stumbles, less mistakes.  The same words over and over again.  The Mourner's Kaddish I know by heart, the Rabbi's Kaddish, which is longer, almost by heart.   But with any routine, it can become meaningless, thoughtless.  Today, feeling particularly emotional, I tried extra hard to concentrate on what I was saying as I lead services.  I slowed it down, the result being that we finished a few minutes later than usual, and that was without the Tachnun, omitted because today is Tu B'Shvat.  Wouldn't you know it, someone came up afterwards and admonished me that I'd slowed down too much.  So tomorrow I'll try to pick up the pace again, somehow trying to make the routine one of meaning.  I'll be satisfied even if the meaning of my words emerges occasionally.